My whole life I always had a plan. I did the things I thought others would want me to do. Also, I tried to be practical. I figured I would have always been successful if I just followed the advice of others and followed the plan. I just had to go to college, get a teaching degree, find a job, and then my life would be an autopilot success.

I don’t know why I thought I could take the easy way in life. It’s almost a crime against nature for my life to be easy.

One day, I woke up and noticed I didn’t like the feeling of autopilot. I wanted to do the things I wanted to do. I was sick of being safe and always bending to the wills of others. I needed things on my terms now.

But with that awakening comes a price.

Because everything was planned for me, I never had to make a decision. I just showed up and met the requirements. However, I found out that was no way for me to live my life. There was a lot I was missing out on and I couldn’t allow myself to miss out on my life.

For awhile after I realized I was just going through the motions of life, I had a hard time figuring out what I really wanted for myself. I decided to revisit my childhood wish to become a writer. I was like that slow turtle making cautious moves into the writing field. I felt like I was missing that big push. I also know I always wanted a Master’s in Creative Writing. I can hear my family saying it’s a dumb degree and not practical. But for me, I just want that piece of paper.

Today I start my first class in working towards my Master’s in Creative Writing. I am a nervous wreck! Normally I would not want to go to school and I would be lying in bed with my Hello Kitty blanket over my head faking an illness.

That is not the case today. I am so stressed about going to school, but there is no thought in my head saying I shouldn’t go.

I am stressed because this is the first time in my life I am taking a step that I want to take. I am letting go of the old me that lived her life for others and I am  living for myself. Old habits are hard to break. I’m so used to having everything planned out for me; right now I am going into a whole new unknown. I’m learning how to live my life in a new way and it’s more than frightening.

Although letting go of the hallow shell that was me is hard, I know that I am letting in something far greater. I know I will be happier because I am doing the things I want to do. I’m spending time with people I love regardless how others see these people. I am going for a degree I want because I simply want the degree. I am finally living my life and I am starting to see how much better I am becoming. It’s like I am finally living up to the person I was born to be.

Advertisements