It’s the addict’s creed: You made me do this.

I was watching Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew and this one model was talking about her father. He was an alcoholic and when she was three he left the family. When she was older her father came back into her life. Too bad she was riding her own pale white horse. Every time her dad came drunk to her door, she made him leave. Part of the reason was she didn’t want to see him drunk and the other part was she didn’t want him to see her coked out. Well, the inevitable happened and her father died. However he left a lovely parting gift. He said that he died because she wouldn’t see him. Also, he was drinking again because she wasn’t there for him.

First I thought that was the most selfish thing to say to another person. That man drank because he did and it had nothing to do with his daughter being there or not. The man was sick and he was just looking for a reason to drink. What better reason is there to drink than blaming your daughter? In that way, he didn’t have to own his drinking. He wasn’t drinking because of himself; he drank because his daughter didn’t love him.

Second, I started thinking how horrible it was for this woman to live her whole life thinking she had her father’s blood on her hands. She wasted her life drowning that guilt in drugs, alcohol, and sex and that guilt didn’t even belong to her. She didn’t make her father drink. She didn’t make him leave when she was three. She wanted nothing but her father’s love and yet he was too sick to give it to her.  Yet she was blamed. Also, she let her father blaming her for his death be her ticket into her own addiction.

Addiction really doesn’t just hurt the person addicted…it is a pain that reaches everyone and sometimes it touches others in ways we never could imagine.

Did that father really want to hurt his little girl? Did he really want her to spend her whole life chasing his demons? Did he really mean to blame her for his death?

Dr. Drew said the best thing to do to honor his memory is for her to get well.

I look at my life and think what would my parents say if they saw me now?

My mom would be so pissed at me. She didn’t raise me to be so meek and timid.

My dad would hate what I have become.

So, for me, it is time to dust off my ass and get up. Sure, my life has had some rough patches, but who hasn’t?  It is not right for me to spoil my parents’ memory by just sitting down and letting my life rush by. They may not be here but I am…I am here.