My iPod I swear is a soothsayer. I am sitting here just having all kinds of thoughts running the gamut from why can’t I figure out what to write about to why are marshmallows so awesome. I start looking for inspiration and of course my mind settles in on you. I go looking for your picture and after finding it; I stare at your eyes. What I am looking for I have no idea. Maybe I am looking to see if you are happy and safe? Have you gotten it yet? You know, how completely awesome you are? I know you won’t ever see that in yourself. It is part of the illness that I wish we didn’t share. I wish I could take it from you…take it all for you. Remember how I wrote that on that cup? I meant it then and I mean it now. I wish I could just carry it all, if even for a minute, so you could just have a fucking break. There is no joy in carrying pain and my God, you have had more than your share.

But then who am I to say that? It is no one’s choice but God to hand out our lives.

Anyhow, as I am searching your eyes for some sign that you are at least good, I hear a song. I recall stealing this CD from you. I may have given it back by now, but I don’t know. Either way, it is shuffled in my iPod. I hear the words, “smiling when your friends are watching.” I start laughing because that is you. But what happens when your friends aren’t watching? I know you go into your mind and I can only imagine the demons that start dancing around. I am sure your mind twists everything to the negative and you get pulled down into a rabbit hole of shame and self-loathing. I don’t blame you for your choice of silencing them. Do I wish you would do something a bit different? Absolutely. I think you tend to forget how much you mean to people around you. It is easier to push that thought from your mind. I get it. I have always understood and just accepted it. I will always accept it, even if I don’t agree with it.

Also who are you looking for? He is dead, baby. He is more then safe now. I know you are wondering how I know that, but all I can offer you is have faith in me. I just know he crossed over. He knew he was dying and he tried to comfort you with that knowledge. Ghosts only stay when they don’t know they are dead. He knows he is dead, baby and he has crossed over. He doesn’t blame you either. As difficult as that is to hear (trust me, I still blame my parents death on me) you have to trust me. We always think we should have done this or that, but when it comes to what God wants, we are helpless. God wanted him baby. I don’t know why. It seems unfair. But God has His plan and His ways. We don’t get to know all the answers…well not yet anyhow. No one could ever blame you for what happened. However, I know you will always blame yourself; that is depression.

It’s funny because a part of me doesn’t even want to publish this blog because I am afraid you will be mad at me. But seriously, you won’t even read this. You never read anything I write. Sure, that makes me upset; however, I know there is nothing I can do. Maybe it is because I haven’t made you proud yet. Maybe you are ashamed to even know me. I know that when I was at my very worst, I said some horrific shit to you and I can totally understand you not wanting to be around me. That’s is why I am always so afraid to say or do anything to reach out to you. Also, you are pretty vague…the few words you give me every three months really don’t do much for the encouragement factor.

As I am ending this blog, my soothsayer brings another song. From the soundtrack, “Wicked” the song “For Good” comes on. Let’s look at the lyrics:

(Elphaba):

I’m limited

Just look at me – I’m limited

And just look at you

You can do all I couldn’t do, Glinda

So now it’s up to you

For both of us – now it’s up to you…

(Glinda):

I’ve heard it said

That people come into our lives for a reason

Bringing something we must learn

And we are led

To those who help us most to grow

If we let them

And we help them in return

Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true

But I know I’m who I am today

Because I knew you…

Like a comet pulled from orbit

As it passes a sun

Like a stream that meets a boulder

Halfway through the wood

Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?

But because I knew you

I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):

It well may be

That we will never meet again

In this lifetime

So let me say before we part

So much of me

Is made of what I learned from you

You’ll be with me

Like a handprint on my heart

And now whatever way our stories end

I know you have re-written mine

By being my friend…

Like a ship blown from its mooring

By a wind off the sea

Like a seed dropped by a skybird

In a distant wood

Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?

But because I knew you

(Glinda):

Because I knew you

(Both):

I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):

And just to clear the air

I ask forgiveness

For the things I’ve done you blame me for

(Glinda):

But then, I guess we know

There’s blame to share

(Both):

And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda):

Like a comet pulled from orbit

As it passes a sun

Like a stream that meets a boulder

Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba):

Like a ship blown from its mooring

By a wind off the sea

Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both):

Who can say if I’ve been

Changed for the better?

I do believe I have been

Changed for the better

(Glinda):

And because I knew you…

(Elphaba):

Because I knew you…

(Both):

Because I knew you…

I have been changed for good…

I look at Elphaba’s second verse…so much of me is made because of what I have learned from you and you will always be in my heart. Have I always said and done the right thing? No, not at all…but trust me that I am pulling myself up again. I am becoming a stronger version of the woman you first met. I am taking back what is mine.

Someday I hope you will be proud enough of me to admit that you know me.

Want to know who I’m talking about…just count.

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