I am a bit slow on things. However, time and my mind have made things all the more clear. Am I better off for this new insightful information? I don’t know. I think it is too soon to tell. However, good, bad, or indifferent, this is how I see things. It could be my twisted mind just pulling negative thoughts out of the air. Then again, it might actually be the truth.

Again, time has given me a lot of information. I have been recalling moments and this one keeps sticking in my head. I realized that I never really looked into your eyes. When I did trust myself enough to look, I didn’t realize it then, but I was met with coldness.

It was as if you were telling me that there was nothing left for me in your eyes. You had shut down and you were gone. It wasn’t anything I did. I was just peering into the wreckage that was created years before I was even in your life.

Yet, that information doesn’t really stop me from wishing that I could, in some way, help you get passed all of it. I also can’t help feeling I had something to do with the fact that you can’t look at me. You are keeping your emotions from me and for what reason? Have I really shown to be that unworthy? Have I not stood for you when the world shut you out?

Yes…yes…I know. There is that one huge let down. I still feel horrible for doing it but I had no choice. I knew what was happening to me and I knew what I needed to do. Whether you agree or accept it, it is what it is and I can’t change time. I can’t undo any of it. Do I wish I could? Of course I do. I wish I could be worthy of making you understand that there is still good in you. People are still willing to help you. There is still much greatness in you.

But all of my opinions mean nothing. I can pray all I want; however, you still won’t see me.

If you think this began at the end, you are wrong. This was years in the making. So for me to think that I could be any source of light in the darkness that is your mind is just mere foolishness  on my part.

It doesn’t stop me from trying. I can’t help but wish I could just be that one person that is the balm to your wounds.

But can we really ask anyone to be that for us? Is it even fair to see myself as being able to fill that role? Who the hell do I think I am?

Your silence tells me I am nothing. I am just a nameless, faceless human. My place in your life was just a small marking off of time…nothing more.

So, if I be your will…I will be what you have asked me to be…nothing.

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