First, this illness I have…the depression…this is one of the many fun things it does to my mind. Oh I hear you saying I should stop feeding into it and my illness isn’t real. It is just all in my head.

Well, at least you are fifty percent correct. It IS all in my head. If this was just a simple cut or a disease I could just get radiation to get rid of it, then I would be fine. You could understand that process more and I wouldn’t feel so odd. However, depression doesn’t work that way. It is your mind telling you every bad thing you ever heard said about anyone in your life. Then your mind magnifies it by one hundred percent. This isn’t happening because I did anything wrong. I am not feeding into it. This is just my mind. Some days my mind is more complacent. However, tonight is just not one of those nights.

I am not worried. I know intellectually what my mind is doing. It doesn’t make it any easier to deal with, but at least I know what is going on. I would be more afraid if I didn’t know what my mind was doing AND I was having these thoughts. It is then I might act on them. I am lucky. I know I don’t need to act on my thoughts because I know they will not gain any more strength then just being passing thoughts in my mind. They still hurt, though. Also being told what is in my mind isn’t real; yeah, not on the top ten things to make it better list. I may not look like it, but this is my body and my mind. No one and I mean no one can tell me what is right and wrong for me. I am the one and the only one who gets to live completely with me. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it! (My mother used to say that…along with a lot of other crazy shit. She was odd.)

So having set that all up, let me just go ahead and drop this bomb. Right now, I think it is easier for me to die then it is for me to live. I haven’t left the apartment in four days. I have watched nothing but NCIS and horrific movies like “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2”. I couldn’t even get through the first “Sisterhood” movie, yet for the past couple of days I have watched the second movie…twice. Instead of doing all the things I know I should be doing (going to the gym, researching my next finical endeavor), I sat on the couch and prayed for death.

Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I thinking these thoughts? Are they just coming out of the blue (pun totally intended)?

Well, yes and no. I have been thinking a lot about my life and the people in it and out of it. Events then replay in my head and then the mind starts to twist them. Remember that time I touched your face and you reprermanded me for it? Or how about when I tried to hug you and you pulled away? How about that unanswered email or telephone call?  I am sure they all have simple explanations. But guess what? I have depression and my mind likes to find the negative in EVERYTHING.

So, I start adding all of this up in my dark mind. I start seeing that it all must mean that I am worthless. If I had any worth, you would call or write. If I meant something to anyone, people would be here and I wouldn’t be hiding in my apartment with my cat (who, by the way, also hides from me for a good chunk of the day…so I think she even wants me dead).

But here I am…and where are you?

My mind takes it one darker step further. If I am worthless, then my life is meaningless. It is then that it  becomes easier for me to see how dying is easier then living.

I know that my mind is a crazy beast and these thoughts will pass. They are only thoughts. Time will diminish their power over me.

But today and right now I see myself as providing no service to this maddening world and for that I must end.

That thought comes into my mind and then this one follows.

That thought is mine and I won’t share it. I am a selfish bitch, aren’t I

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