I have been looking and searching for the reason of my depression. Is it really a chemical imbalance in my brain or did something happen to trigger it? If I think about my life, I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t depressed. This alone makes me believe it is a chemical issue. However, why can’t I stand the medication? Each one that they put me on makes me sick and it doesn’t work. Therefore, I can conclude that it isn’t a chemical imbalance because if it were, my body wouldn’t be rejecting the medicine. My body would be drinking it in and clapping for joy.


So, now I have to find the trigger. What has conditioned my brain into negative thoughts and depression?


I started looking at old photos of myself when I was growing up. There aren’t many of them. There are also less photos of me with another family member. The story goes that when I was little my mother could clean the whole house and I would be contently playing in my playpen.


I think at a very early age I learned that I was a mistake. I definitely wasn’t one of those planned baby’s. I just showed up and I think everyone was just like, well, okay here is another baby and then my mom sighed and changed my diaper.


I can hear people saying that God doesn’t make mistakes and all of that. But I am living proof that mistakes can happen.


It is a relief knowing that I can understand what I am. Now I have just to decide what I will do with that information.