Or am I crazy because I am creative? I really don’t know the answer to those questions. I just know that throughout history, all the great writers have been a little “off”. Most writers have suffered from depression. Now, when I say suffer, I mean their depression went untreated or misdiagnosed. They had no choice but to suffer with depression. Nowadays, we have better ways of treating depression so people do not have to suffer with it anymore.

 

But why did those artists suffer? Did they do it because they thought they had to suffer for their art? Did they think taking medication would lesson their creativity and make them less of an artist? Why did so many artists take drugs and drink if they were so afraid of their illness?

 

I think that there is a huge stereotype among artists that we first need to suffer and secondly, if we get help then our creative mind will shut down.

 

 

I know this is how I feel. I am so afraid of taking medication because I feel like I am creative because I have this illness. If I solve the illness, then I will no longer be able to create things. My dark, Plath-like images and thoughts will vanish and I will no longer be able to think I could be a writer. I want to believe that I have always been creative. I know now that I have always had depression as well. So my fear is that by fixing or stabilizing the depression I will loose my creative edge.

 

On one hand, I know the depression will never go away. So if I am to assume that depression is the main reason why I am creative, I can rest easy because it isn’t going anywhere. This depression is yet another thing I will have for the rest of my life. If I could just get myself under control enough to get out of the house and do the things I love doing, wouldn’t it be worth it?

 

Why can’t I see the alternative side?

 

What if I took the medication and my mind got sharper? What if through medication I could have more focus? It would be awesome to have two completely finished pieces of work I could be proud of instead of having twenty pieces of crap no one wants to read. If I could write all that stuff without medication, what could I accomplish if I just got my depression under control?

 

For me, my depression isolates me and keeps me at home. That doesn’t help a writer because I am not out getting inspired and meeting new characters. I am gaining no new experiences to bring to my writing. Also, I create an unreasonable world for my characters to live in because I am not out living in the world. I am not exposing my writing to others and getting feedback. I am just sitting here thinking I will get a call from Simon and Schuster and realistically I know that isn’t going to happen.

 

I want to be recognized as a writer. Yet, the depression keeps me from putting my stories out there. It isn’t so much a writing self-esteem problem as it is a negative self-talk situation. I just assume everyone will be a better writer so why put my stuff out there.

 

I see myself in such a different light, yet I do nothing to get myself there.

Depression is what is holding me back.

 

If I had cancer…oh wait…I already did that. Let me say, if I had a heart problem, I would take my meds everyday and not even question it. However, when it comes to my depression I just keep thinking it will go away without medication. It’s been three decades and it is still here. Also, I am so afraid of destroying my creative mind.

 

But I need to start thinking of it like this: I am creative. I could do so much more if I got the depression under control. Right now, the world is missing out on me because I want to stay in the apartment with my Hello Kitty blanket. I wasn’t put on this earth for that. Lastly, I am doing a dear disservice to my parents by just holing myself up and waiting to die.

 

I think I need to manage my depression and whatever it takes to do that, that is what I must do.

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