Today I saw the most amazing thing, yet I am sure to the people involved in what I saw, it was just common practice. Hence it makes what I saw even more amazing.

 

I was signing into class and another student was signing in as well. This woman has a good thirty years on me and I often find myself wondering what she is doing in this class at all. She also has this accent that I can’t place. The accent is almost New England, but not really. I could seriously hear this woman talk for days and I would be entertained. However, to my great disappointment she rarely talks. But this is all beside the point.

 

Here I was signing into class and there she was with her husband. Well, I am assuming it is her husband. It could be her boyfriend, but I get the impression that this is her husband. Anyhow, there she is signing into class and he is right by her side. He drove her to class and walked her inside the building. The icing on the cake was when he gave her a little kiss on the cheek.

 

All I could think was “Holy Shit!”

 

You are thinking I am jealous of the happy couple being together all these years and still able to share a small kiss on the cheek, right?

 

Well, what I am really freaked out about is the amount of just utter trust, devotion, and love it takes to get to that moment. Here is this man who loves his wife. He doesn’t judge her for needing a class. He doesn’t get mad because she can’t do things the way she used to do things. He just loves her and he is happy to take her to class and see to it that she gets safely to class. He supports her without blinking an eye.

 

I am not saying I can never have this kind of stuff. I think at one point, it could have been available to me but I did something wrong. I messed up. The fault is all mine.

 

I can’t imagine being like this with another person. Even the people I am closest to, I still keep a bit of a wall up. I can’t even begin to comprehend what it would be able to accept that kind of support from another human being.

 

I was taught that women don’t show emotions. Women take care of ourselves and we ask nothing of no one. We are the ones who take care of everything. We are to be strong and never ask for help. We don’t show we are hurt; we just muddle through until we bury everyone else.

 

I was taught to do all of this and for a while, I was really good at it. But now I see that I am not wired for that kind of life. I can’t always be the support; I need support sometimes as well. There are times when all I have been through is just too much for me to carry and I need help. I don’t need to be judged. I need compassion.

 

I need a twin soul who will understand what it is like to be mentally ill. I need a person who will just take my hand, walk me to class and kiss me on the cheek.

 

But what I need more then anything and before I can even look for another person to do this for me, I need to allow people in. People will die and people will leave me. However, if I don’t stop pushing people away, I will create my biggest fear.

 

I have to learn how to accept myself for who I am and allow others to accept that, too. Then I have to be willing to give myself over to another person.

 

That thought scares me worst then my own death.

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