It is so simple this word. Look at it; it only has five letters. However, that word means so much more then just five little letters.

 

How come the smallest words mean the most profound things? (PS…I smell another blog).

 

I was sitting in class the other day and someone mentioned how trust is very important. That hit me really hard because that statement is so true. If you don’t trust anyone, you can’t love anyone. Without trust, there is no serious connection. Is trust the serious disconnect I have been complaining about in all my blogs?

 

This whole time I thought it was love and the lack of love. I think now it goes much deeper then just love.

 

Without trust, there is no love. It can’t come to the surface. Love gets pushed down because I think the first step to ever truly loving another human being is to trust that person. You can’t move on to the next phase if you never leave phase one.

 

I think about when people hug me. It is a simple act, right? Just throw your arms around another person and squeeze. Maybe if you are lucky, your hugger will prescribe to the small back rub as part of the hug deal. I am always thrilled when I get a back rub in the hug deal.

 

But here is a small secret. When someone hugs me, I start wondering when the hug is going to end. I start questioning when it will be done and when can we go ahead and separate. At times, if the hug is too long, I start to loose my balance and I have to re-shift. Then I start thinking, what does that person want and why are they hugging me? Do they really want to hug me or do they feel like they have to hug me, so they do it? I never just live in the moment of the hug because I think I just don’t know how to trust the hug.

 

I will say that this doesn’t happen all the time. There are people I feel more comfortable with and I can hug them for a bit longer without the crazy thoughts coming in to say hi. With one person, I could hug this one for, like, ever and I still would not be ready to let go. It annoys me that I get the old one arm hug because seriously, I deserve both arms. However, their trust issues exceed mine, so I am just happy I get hugged at all.

 

At the end though, my mind will always start wondering when will my hugger let go of me?

 

Can it be so simple as I just don’t trust?

 

I know I don’t trust people. Hell, the first two people I was supposed to have complete and utter trust in totally bailed on me, so without that beginner’s knowledge of trust, how could I move on to advanced?

I am convinced that people will ultimately leave me. I don’t trust any words spoken to me. If someone says they love me or think I am pretty, I always dismiss the words as lies. This person, in my head, just wants something from me.

 

Also, I pick people I know will leave me and I put my trust in them. It’s a way to keep me safe. That way, when they do betray me and leave me, I can say, see…everyone DOES leave me. I am trying to work on this. I am trying to get better.

 

This has been happening for over three decades. How do I make it stop? How do I look at another person and just trust them? How do I become safe enough around others to allow myself to just live in the moment? How do I accept that people will leave me?

 

No one can guarantee forever. People die…people change…people get sick. There is no way that a person can truly say forever to another person. Why can’t I take comfort in the thought that it is just the nature of things and has nothing to do with what I am lacking?

 

I know it is all long process and I need to crawl before I can run. But how do I even begin to crawl? What is it that I need to let go of in order to start sashaying across the carpeted floor?

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