I am not normal. I don’t see the world like everyone else sees it. This can be a good or bad thing depending on how you see things. For most though, my way of seeing the world is bad. It is hurtful to others and it causes nausea and cramping.

 

I can’t think of how else to explain my mind. I know that how I think is wrong and I need some rewiring. Or perhaps a tune-up, as one of my former students said of their own mind. But at the end of the day it is my mind and I can’t stop it from feeding me the thoughts that it does feed me, no matter how many cute stop signs I try to create.

 

I know that in life we have to do things we don’t want to do. I know that in life we will face difficulties. Yes, we do have to just pound through them. But for me, there is a huge disconnect. I used to be able to do just that. I would barrel through all of my most difficult moments. But along the way, something happened. Maybe I grew tired or just worn out. I don’t know what happened, all I know is that I can’t fight things like I used to fight them.

 

Please understand that we grew up in different environments. Maybe that is my downfall. I didn’t have a whole lot of love and support. I am supposed to be the dumb, weak one in the family. In a way, I guess I just got tired of fighting the stereotype and allowed the prophecy to just become the reality.

 

Now all I do is let down people left and right. I get right up to the moment of being the big helper and I just buckle like a studded belt on an emo girl’s bulimic waist. I work myself up into this maddening frenzy of self-loathing and doubt. I assume that everyone lies to me and no one wants me around. I figure I am just going to fail anyhow and you will end up hating me, so I might as just throw the towel in now. I know at the end of the day, I am nothing but a huge disappointment.

 

I wasn’t always like this. Something in my mind snapped. I lost a big chunk of myself. The one in which I can fight like everyone else and just muddle through all the uncomfortable-ness of life is missing.

 

So now I am left with this shattered ego and broken mind. I look at my body and wonder what the hell happened. I don’t know why I let myself trick myself into thinking I don’t belong in the world anymore. I keep pulling out of very important things and the only reason I can think of is my mind is slowly caving in onto itself. In a way, I think it is some slow form of suicide. You know that study in which babies who aren’t held in the beginning days of their life die? Maybe that is what I am doing to myself. I am slowly pulling myself away from love and affection. But I don’t know why I am doing it.

 

I will try to take this moment to dissect what is really going on. If you see things moving, things missing, misshapen…just know that is just my way of looking for the answer.

 

I have let down so many people in the past and I can’t seem to get a handle on why. All I can say is that I know this is a problem. I am trying to fix it. But if you keep ignoring me and if you keep not hearing the words I am trying to tell you, I can’t be held responsible for what happens next. It breaks my heart ten times worse to know I let people down. I can’t figure out what is wrong. Why am I doing this to myself and to others? Do I really think I am not good enough? When did I become this shattered version of myself?

Advertisements