This question keeps coming up. “Are you happy?”

 

Well, no…but I’m not unhappy. Can I be just neutral? Besides, I have moments of being happy, so that’s good enough. Right? Are people always one hundred percent happy? I don’t think so and I find it comforting to know that at least I have some moments of happiness.

 

Then there is this one, “what makes you happy?”

 

Short-term happiness I can relate to and explain. Hearing a good song on my shuffled IPOD, chocolate, my blankie just warm from the dryer, London, a great book that I can relate and or learn something from…all these things make me happy.

 

However, if we are talking about long-term happiness? I don’t even know how to understand I am even in its presence.

 

Again, here is another thing I am missing out on. But this time, I don’t think it is a genetic thing. I think this is something I do to myself. A form of self-sabotage if you will. Why I do it? Well, I don’t know, but I have a theory.

 

I think I am so afraid to be happy that every moment that I come close to it, I do something to destroy it. I don’t know how to relax enough to enjoy happiness. I am always waiting for it to fall away. For me, the other shoe will always drop and I will loose the happiness. I don’t like that thought or that feeling. Being happy makes me uncomfortable. I don’t know how to act or what to do. Where do I put my hands? Is this where I smile? Insert giggle here or there?

 

I can deal with depression. I can understand sadness. That makes sense to me.

 

But happiness on the other hand, I can’t understand.

 

Like there are people out there who seriously are just happy? They have their life and the life they have is good? People can be generally happy?

 

Shakespeare asked the question is it better to love and loose that love or never have it at all? I tend to say it is better to at least have it so you can say you had it. However, I don’t live my life that way. I take all the safe roads. I don’t like a rocky boat. I tend to get sea sick.

 

For that safety, the price I pay is high. I can’t answer a simple question.

 

Are you happy?

 

What makes you happy?

 

When will I stop living my life in fear and just run full speed after the things I want? Living with all this safety has done nothing for me. I have caused others and myself more pain. Sure, that pain comforts me; but we only get one life. Do I really want to spend mine surrounded in pain just because I am familiar with it?

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