I think something is really wrong with me. Maybe I am missing a very large chunk of this particular gene. Or maybe I threw it up with some bad tacos? Regardless, I am seriously missing this gene.

 

You know the one I am talking about…the one that allows me to stop letting people down.

 

I don’t know when I lost it or if I ever had it. But the truth remains, I can’t stop letting people down.

 

I try to trace when I first noticed when I let others down.

 

My mind goes to my father.

 

Here I was this nine-year-old little girl who just thought that with sheer cuteness I could make all his problems go away. I thought that maybe my laugh could be infectious. Maybe my hugs could bind his issues and squeeze them out of him. But no, that was not the case. I wasn’t enough of a draw to keep my dad in this world. Why can’t I just get it; he didn’t love me enough to stay here? He wasn’t a mythical creature; he was a man who didn’t love me. Yet, I still can’t believe it. I guess I just assumed dads were supposed to love their kids. But, I am living proof that isn’t true.

 

Then there is my mother.

 

All I had to do was give her CPR. Would she have lived? Not at all, but my mind still dances around screaming I was to be blamed for her death. Not the giant tumor in her head that exploded one day…no that didn’t kill her. It was my inability to give her CPR. I probably made the tumor grow because of how horrible I was growing up. You know, staying home all the time, doing my homework and getting descent grades really made my mother stress.

 

My family.

 

Well, this really is my fault. I don’t understand how I could be so messed up yet they still want to be around me. The reasoning is we are family. But…my mom and dad couldn’t stay here with me and they gave me life…why should anyone else want to be around me when they couldn’t?

 

My friends.

 

I let them all down all the time. My mind just fixates on things and I can’t get around it. Then I get scared and just hide away. It hurts like hell that I do this but yet I can’t stop it from happening. I HATE LETTING PEOPLE DOWN. However, I do it all the time.

I try to stop, but I can’t. I always think that I am not good enough to have this person or that one in my life, so I just make a mistake and wait for them to kick me out. That way I can be right and say, “see I told you I wasn’t good enough to be your friend.”

There is something that I am missing. I guess it is a gene or a step on the DNA ladder. I don’t know what it is; I just know I don’t have it.

 

As hard as I try to do the right things and as much as I want to be there for people: my mind stops me.

 

Maybe it comes down to being afraid of being left again. In my head, I make people leave me before the “big leave” so I don’t have to go through the pain of getting so close and depending on someone only to have them die on me.

 

Someday I hope to get passed this so I can trust and ultimately love another person completely again. I never realized how important my parents’ death was until I start looking at the effects or I should say defects of it. They died years ago and yet I still can’t seem to move pass it.

 

Forgive me for hurting you. I know that forgiveness isn’t what I deserve. I know that you won’t trust me again and I am forever tainted in your mind. But maybe I just have hope that I could be forgiven and trusted once more.

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