Signs are everywhere telling us what to do and what exit to take. But then we have other signs that aren’t clear. That song on the radio (or IPOD) that brings back that time in the diner or that long drive to nowhere. A person’s name flashed in the oddest of places like a billboard or a bumper sticker on a car.

 

How do we begin to understand that second set of signs? What is reminding us of times lost over and over again going to teach us?

 

I am probably way off, but right now…today…this is what I am coming up with.

 

It’s going to happen again.

 

Not to the original cast member; your understudy will be filling in your spot. The settings will change, but the same basic plot line will still run its course.

 

But this time, I will understand it better and I won’t make the same mistakes.

 

I will still be as open, honest and giving as in the past. I know my place and I understand what I have been asked by God (or Buddha, Vishnu, whomever you want). I won’t back down from my duty. But this time, I won’t be so upset by the lack of three little words.

 

I’ll be honest; it kills me to here and see other people get those three words from you that I so desperately want to hear. However, I am smart enough to understand that if you were to say them to me, I wouldn’t believe them because in my mind, you felt like you had to say them. I never want to be that person who looks at someone else and says, “Look at all I did for you…can’t you love me now?”

 

The thing is, you really can’t ask anyone to love you. They either do or they don’t love you. There is no in between or any kind of sort of consolation prize type of love. Love is an all or nothing type of thing.

 

The absence of those words doesn’t mean you love me the most and are so consumed by them that you can’t say them. I can’t believe I twisted my mind into believing that! I know now that the absence of those words simply means, you just don’t love me.

 

So now that the stage is set and the actors and your understudy are all ready to say their lines, I am now ready to take things for what they are and that is all. I will not assume because I do anything I should automatically be loved. It is time for me to listen to the words and take them at face value. There are no hidden agendas. It is what it is and that is all that it can be.

 

I regret only that I asked anything of you. I can’t ask another person to love me. They either do or they don’t. I can’t be upset or angry when they don’t love me either.

 

Again, I am ready to help out again. This time, I will not silently ask anything. I am here to do a job and your understudy will play your part well. They will take what they need from me; I will help them get pulled back together. Then they will walk away just as you have done to me. I will not be sad or upset this time. You have your life and soon they will have theirs. If the truth is to be told, your understudy has this wonderfully perfect perfection just waiting for them. They just need to hold on and start buckling down. It will come, I know it will come. 

 

This is my purpose in life. This is my role in the play. I will do it well. However, this time, I won’t pretend that I am secretly owed a hug, a thank you, or even a non-existent “I love you”. I know now I am owed nothing. I just need to perform my role. Your happiness in this world…your laugh and smile that you give to someone else…that is all the thanks I should ever need. I am a fool to ask for anything more then that.

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