I believe in signs. I think that things happen for a reason. In our lives, we may get off the beaten path of our destinies and someone or something shows us different signs to help us get back on track.

 

For a long time I have been blown way off course. I have totally missed my mark and my path.

 

I keep getting these weird signs. They are everywhere.

 

Maybe I am just more sensitive to seeing the things I keep seeing. But I don’t know how else to explain these signs.

 

Everywhere I turn, I am reminded of you.

 

Yet I don’t have a clue why or what I am supposed to learn from these signs.

 

Then insert today’s crazy chain of events.

 

I am looking through some things and then I see your picture. I stop and smile. I think how much we have lived through together and my mind kicks back some memories. In this picture you have this smirk on your face. You aren’t happy or sad in the picture; you just are there taking it all in. I started to cry because how much I miss you. Then I felt dumb for crying about it.

 

As I sat there deciding if I am an idiot for crying, I get a text message. It reads, “what makes you happy?”

 

My first impulse was to say you. It’s true. You have always had the ability to make me smile through all of it.

 

Then I started thinking that I don’t think I really know what makes me happy. I know what makes me smile. I know what makes me laugh. But true happiness…I am not too sure I know what that would be.

 

Have I ever been truly happy? To be truly happy, what do you need to have? Is it safety and comfort? If so, then I am so shit out of luck. I know that I never feel safe or comfortable.

 

The mind spins further.

 

Why am I being reminded of you so much recently? What am I missing? Do you need me?

 

Or do I need to remember why I lost you?

 

Am I about to make the same mistake? What exactly was that mistake? Telling too much about myself? Letting you see too many of my demons? Not letting you fall hard enough? I mean, Jesus…you fell pretty darn hard. How the hell did I get kicked out of your life? Am I about to get kicked out of someone else’s life?

 Did I ever really loose you?

 

What is the lesson here?

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