It is going to be one of those days and one of those blogs.

 

I am looking at myself and picking out all the negative things. I have on deep red glasses and they only pick out the negatives.

 

It’s difficult for any of us to really look at ourselves. No one wants to admit to mistakes and slip-ups. Those things are hurtful and reliving them over and over again helps no one.

 

I was in the shower and this one thought almost knocked me to the ground.

 

I am replaceable.

 

There is nothing that I bring to this world. There is no one who directly depends completely on me. If I were to just walk away or get murdered or some crazy shit, I know that people can just move on from me. There is no one and I mean this in not one of those everyone hates me, no one loves me, I have to go eat worms kind of thing, I mean this in its true basic form. There is no one in this world that wouldn’t be able to get over the loss of me.

 

I am not connected to this world.

 

I am replaceable.

 

I know that people do need me and trust me; I am still around because of that fact. I could never be able to crossover or whatever the hell happens when you die if I knew they still needed me.

 

But being needed and being irreplaceable are two different things. Being needed means at any time, someone else could just as easily take your place. In one instance, I can see that clearly. Your silence and distance speaks more volumes and I believe many of them are the things you could never bring yourself to say to me. But regardless, those things are there, unblinkingly looking at me. Whether it is drugs or the false love of many girls, or maybe both, in your silence I have been replaced.

 

Irreplaceable means that no one and nothing could ever diminish what you mean and stand for in another’s life. 

 

I blame no one but myself for this inability to be irreplaceable. I somehow create a huge disconnect with people. I don’t even know I am doing it half the time. I see the effects of it and then I know that I have just stepped into the replaceable realm in that person’s life.

 

But why did I do this? Why am I distancing myself from others? I want so much to be irreplaceable, yet I don’t do anything to make that happen. Am I supposed to make that happen? Is that my problem? Am I looking for a rulebook or instructions that really should just be something that is instinctual?

Don’t get me wrong; this is not another blog where I dump on myself.

 

I am a realist. I see myself for all that I am and I do not sugar coat any of it. I know that there is still good in me and I have accomplished things. But it still doesn’t stop me from seeing the negative side in which there is a big gapping hole. I stop people from getting too close. In turn I stop myself from being irreplaceable.

 

If someone can never get to see all of me and accept my entire crazy ass, then I will always be replaced.

 

I guess in the end I am afraid that if I let someone see all that and then they walk away, it means that I was replaceable all along.

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