Did I spell that right? It doesn’t look right, which means it probably isn’t. What can I say, I am a creature of habit and I can’t spell to save my life.

Anyhow, I am in my favorite place and once again I am praying that all the strength and courage that has flooded this place all those years ago could somehow still reach me. Now is the time that my faith and courage are wavering and I know that I have to pull all of my reserve out in order to get through to the next step.

Don’t get me wrong, I will still put myself on the back burning if anyone came to me and really needed me. I believe in paying it forward and I just hope that when my time comes, someone can just lay it all down for me. I also hope that I will be able to see it and appreciate it.

But the truth is, I am still so guarded with myself around others. I envy anyone who can just open up and pour it all out. Hence why I adore Mrs. Hughes. Although she did hide behind her poems; she had to do it really. She wasn’t ready to just let the world understand it all. Hell, I bet she didn’t understand it all. Perhaps that is just another piece that broke within her and pulled her down into that ultimate hell. That is for all of us to wonder and to learn from.

I know myself well enough to know when things are getting too much for me. I know when I need time and distance. I can no longer trade “comfort” for my own happiness.

I was once happy. Then one day, something inside just broke and it has been years for me to come back from it.

Now is the time for me to take a serious and unbiased look at my life. I need to wall myself up and be alone with my thoughts.

I will come out of this…I always do. But today…right now…I just need my town and my man. Lincoln’s strength is here and I am feasting on it like a crack whore.

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