In my classroom, I have this blue wooden plague that says, of all things, “hope”. I know that I have mentioned how important this word is to me. It beats in my heart. I have it scraped in my skin with black ink. I had to have it hanging in my classroom.

 

However, it keeps falling down.

 

I am a person who, you know, looks for signs in everything I do. A broken seashell is a sign of my broken heart. A crying child is my own inner child screaming for an ice cream cone or at the very least a freakin’ hug. I can’t help it. I would like to blame my writer self but that would require me to actually acknowledge that I have a writer self. I still have trouble believing I am gifted or talented. Sure, I can write seven blogs in one day, but can’t everyone?

 

Anyhow, back to this falling hope sign.

 

What the hell does that mean?

 

Could it be as simple as the duct tape I used is just worn thin and the sign just keeps falling? Or is it something more?

 

Should I be loosing hope? If so, in what way should I be loosing it? What hope should be falling down? Is it the one that I put up with sticky tape? Which hope is that?

 

Is it the hope that I should be teaching? Is this really no longer the career for me? What the hell is my career?

 

Should I be a stripper? But seriously, who would pay to see a slightly overweight old chick? There can’t be a market for that.

 

What other hope am I clinging to that just isn’t working? What is my false hope?

 

If I have to be honest….

 

My false hope is for myself. I can see so much greatness in others. I can even feel the hope that is inside of them that is trying to come out.

 

However, for me…if I were to look deep into my own core…I have no hope for myself. I can fight for anyone but me.

 

I wonder if that is the reason people I need to fight for keep coming in my life. Maybe this is God’s way of saying that I can’t fight for myself now because I don’t know how to. I have to practice fighting for these other people so I can then learn to fight for myself. God knows if He keeps putting people like this in my life, I won’t give up. I will be distracted and I will also learn how strong I am because of how much I can give unconditionally to another person.

 

It is so sad how much strength I need to be shown I have in me. I wonder why I need so much. Will there ever be someone who can hold my hand and unconditionally love me? Do I need all that strength because there is no one out there for me? I mean, is this it for me? Doesn’t everyone deserve to be loved? Why can’t I ever feel loved? It is scary how when people tell me anything positive I just roll my eyes and the bullshit detector starts beeping. This is beyond low self-esteem. What the hell happened to me?  

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