Either you are the sweetest person in the world or you are the world’s most habitual liar. I am okay with which ever way you decide to go because with each scenario I thank you for not calling me out and making me feel like a bigger asshole.

 

I won’t lie; I wish we talked more and of course I am worried about you. It goes with the territory and when I signed that invisible contract all those years ago, that was one of the amendments. So I knew what I was getting into the whole time.

 

However, that brings me to one of my worst habits. I make excuses for people when I shouldn’t and I tend to shut people out without listening to the whole story.

 

I always think it has something to do with me. It isn’t because I am egoistical; I just assume I do dumb things and people can’t forgive me. I blame my family for that and it is something I am trying to work on.

 

Things aren’t my fault.

 

Look at the lesson you taught me.

 

You don’t hate me (even though I tell you all the time you do, but I know deep down that you don’t and you seriously love my ass…not my physical ass, but the ghetto way of saying you love me…I mean you could love my physical ass…I wouldn’t understand why…it isn’t that great…but I don’t know). When I didn’t hear from you in months, it wasn’t because you were ignoring me; you just didn’t get my messages because someone else was sabotaging your life. Granted, I would never want someone to sabotage another’s life, but the fact remains. I did nothing wrong.

 

So now I am in the same sort of predicament. But I am trying to be smarter. I am not allowing myself to make excuses for anyone. I am not shutting the door on anyone. That silence has nothing to do with anything I did. Sometimes others have things they have to go through and they need to do it alone. We might not like it, but it is that person’s lesson. When the time is right, we will get the green light to come back in.

 

I am trying to see myself as others see me. It is difficult because I am so filled with a lifetime of negativity. However, I am trying to stop looking at the past. I am not that same person and not everyone is going to act like the people in my past. There are people who are kind out there. There are people who won’t mind listening to me. There are people who wouldn’t judge me and won’t be afraid of me.

 

It is now my turn to see them for all that they are and accept that sometimes there are things beyond me. That is not a bad thing either.

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