This is how dumb I am and how twisted my mind can be.

In thirty days I am going on a trip to Chicago. I have no plan really. I am getting on a plane, getting into my hotel room, and then I don’t know what happens next. I know that I want to loose a good ten to fifteen pounds before then (I can’t go to the Land of Lincoln looking like a big hefer) yet today I sat on the couch eating sour cream and chips. I swear I will go to the gym tomorrow. I figured because I had a rough start to my day, I owed it to myself to eat like a crack fiend. Sure, I could have used all that healthy going to the gym stuff. I could have danced and ran away all my negative thoughts. However, I chose to eat them away. It didn’t work because my negative thoughts are still there and now I hate myself for eating like an idiot.

But anyhow, this is about my crazy mind.

Most people would be all jazzed for their trip. You know, surfing the web and checking out what to do and what to see while they are in town.

What do I do?

I compose emails in my head to my loved ones just in case my plane crashes.

That’s right. I sat on my couch today thinking about how I should send emails out to people I love just in case I die on the plane.

Here is my theory on why I do this.

First, I am a morbid little fucker. I have always been entranced with death and I think I will always be strangely curious about it.

Second, if my plane does crash down and I die, I don’t want my soul to be stuck here. I want to be able to move on…go into the light…do whatever it is I am supposed to do when I die. I don’t want to be an “earth bound spirit”.

If my time is up then it is up and I want to move on. My luck, I won’t because I will feel too guilty that I didn’t tell this person or that one that I love them. Then I’ll be a damn ghost who will forever be plagued with watching those I love get hurt and not being able to do a damn thing about it because…well…I am a fucking ghost. I’ll have no voice so I can’t talk them down from their pain. I won’t have any human arms, so I can’t hug anyone (or punch them dead in the face and you KNOW who I am talking about…yes you…)If I try to communicate, the person will be totally freaked out because they have a ghost haunting them that they won’t even listen to what I am trying to tell them. Like say if your computer all of the sudden pulled up a word document that said, “hey, I love you”…try and tell me you wouldn’t run from the room screaming your head off. I know if that happened to me, that computer would be out the window. No questions asked and no other thoughts entertained.

So, instead of me being excited about my trip, I see the down side of it. I am going into a plane and I will not be in control. If I die, I don’t want to be stuck here because I know how much it hurts to have someone die and you are left wondering if they ever loved you. I can’t do that to someone. So, if I see the light…or my mom…or whomever, I know me. I won’t go because I’ll have to let people know I love them. Sure, I understand that they might not care to hear it or even care that I do love them…but to me it is important. For that,I would stick around.