For the past couple of months, every single day I have been told that I am not good enough. That life with someone else was better and easier. I am told that I bascially don’t have any idea what I am doing and I should just stop.

I honestly don’t know how much more fighting I can take. 

I understand the where and why of it. I seriously do understand. But when it comes from more then one source; which is what I am know understanding, I really don’t know what else I can do. I know that I can’t fight much longer and the negativity is seeping into my brain and coming out in all the wrong places.

But when you are already at a disadvantage and your ego is already bruised, it is hard to stop it from getting more hurt.

I walked into a mess; I understand that.  I wasn’t prepared and I am taking on something I have no training in. I don’t know what is normal and what is because of me.

I don’t think I can clean up any one else’s mess anymore. I am not being paranoid when I state that everyone is in agreement; I am doing a shitty job.

I understand part of it is because I am coming in when someone else already gave up and just let things get out of control. I understand why it happened, too.

I guess in the end I am just looking for a small pat on the back. I would like someone see and understand the challenge I am faced with every day. But no one does see it. I just keep getting that I am not good enough. I can’t keep things in line. I don’t know what I am doing.

Yet, I am forced to go in and keep going.

Sure, I did a real banged up job the last time. But in truth, maybe I did do my job. It might not have been the one everyone thought I should do, but maybe God had a different plan. Did I do what I was supposed to do? Am I done?

But it doesn’t seem so. I am sent to this other place and every day I am told how much of a failure I am.

I can’t take much more. i have enough guilt over my failures.

Advertisements