I was just thinking about stuff. All kinds of crazy, dumb stuff like I don’t even know.


That is all a lie by the way. I know my thoughts; it is just hard to put them all down.


Today is not such a good day. It is one of those longing days. I start thinking about the past and all the mistakes and let downs I have created. To say I am a little upset is an understatement.


I think it all boils down to the fact that I am still so afraid to let anyone fully see me. When I did try, I was met with such deafening silence that I started shouting just to make it bearable. It was no one’s fault but my own. I asked people I shouldn’t have to see a part of me they never wanted to see. But now, I wish so much that I could have someone in my life that I could just lay it all down on the table.


Take for instance this song by Josh Joplin called, “Listening”. The girl in the song comes home and gets some bad news. So, she just sits there and takes it all in and just thinks about it. She lies on the ground and looks up at the ceiling fan and just thinks her thoughts. Then the lyrics say that “I am just listening to you/you don’t say a word/you don’t have to.”


What I want is someone who will listen to me. I want them to listen to all of me. When I get like I am right now (upset and scared), I want someone to just sit there and tell me that they are listening to me. I don’t want to speak; I want them to just know me. I need someone to understand how I think and be okay with it. I want total and complete acceptance and love.


But to want and actually ache for that is a double edged sword. That would require me letting someone else into my life and my mind. I would love to feel so secure with someone that I could just say whatever I needed to say and not have to worry my words would make them go away.


My whole life I have been filtering my thoughts and my spoken words.


I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to be able to be loved for all that I am and I want to be accepted.


I am so sick of always wondering if I said the wrong thing or if this person or that one hates me now.


I have been through enough. I just need someone to look me in the eyes and say that I am okay. I need to know that nothing is wrong with me. I want someone to understand, accept and love all of me (even the crazy parts).


Is that so much to ask for? Am I being unreasonable? Does that kind of love and acceptance just not exists?