No matter how much we want to put our pasts aside, it always pop up. Sometimes it is not meant to hurt us. Actually, if I think about it, I don’t think our past is ever really there to hurt us. I think it shows up when we need to be reminded of things. It might be things that are unpleasant, but their lessons are there and we need to respect them.

 

Through the power of facebook, again my past is seeping back into my life. I don’t fear it; I embrace it.

 

Recently, the man I credit getting me into the teaching world said to a mutual friend that he remembers me and that I was the most self-motivated student he ever taught. Now, he was a teacher for a long time and that means a lot of students. Since I have uber respect for him, he words resonate in my mind.

 

But I feel like I have let him down a bit. It could be my own self-defeating attitude. But still, if I am the most self-motivated student, then where is all my published works? Where is my published book? Where are all my teacher awards?

 

I want to be able to live up to that phrase. However, if he said it, then I must already have been living that phrase, right?

 

I do tend to be hard on myself. That does tend to motivate me.

 

I hate that I do this to myself all the time. I look at all the things I haven’t done, instead of looking at the things I have accomplished. Is this normal? Do others do this as well?

 

Honestly, I don’t think I will ever be satisfied with my life and what I have accomplished. I will always be looking forward and reaching out.

 

I hate wasting time (yet I do it all the time. Take today for instance; I watched Law and Order all day instead of maybe writing.). I get so annoyed with myself for wasting days.

 

In my defense, I am still sick. So I did do a lot of just vegging on the couch and breathing through my mouth.

 

Yet, I am still mad.

 

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