Some day I will understand that emotion called love. Of course today isn’t that day, but I am working towards getting the concept. I am trying to wrap my mind about this mysterious illness, if you will, to see why I have such a hard time with it.


I was watching a movie today (I am sick again and there was no way I was getting off the couch…not even if you had like a million dollars and brownies…my ass was glued to the couch). Anyhow, in the movie, there was this one comment made about love. The character said that in order to find love you first have to give love. As if just loving someone else could open the key to you finding someone to love you.


The comment struck me because I never thought of it that way. I just assumed that in order to be loved there has to be reasons for that person loving you. As a person, you have to have things inside you that make you deserving of love.


But with this new idea…this first loving someone…it seems odd. However, it makes a lot of sense.


How else can we learn to recognize being loved by someone if we first don’t love someone else? How else could we accept that someone loves us if we don’t look outside ourselves and love another person? We would never be able to understand the risk that person is taking loving us if we don’t take the same risk ourselves.


Love is a risk. Love is difficult and unpredictable. Love is complicated and hurtful.


Yet, we all look for it because we know that no matter how hard the journey might be to find love, once we are there, the joy we feel being loved is far greater then any of the shit we had to go to in order to find love.


No wonder this is such a hard concept for me to grasp.


I don’t like pain or unpredictability.


I tend to think that there are different degrees of love.


But now I am not too sure.


I think that maybe now I can understand that love is just love. When a new father looks into his newborn baby’s eyes (even though the eyes are all rolling around and can’t quiet focus yet) and that love just comes rushing out…should there really be degrees of love? Can’t love just be a big ball of unconditional, undying, and unyielding love and devotion? Why should anyone want to cut that love into fixed squares? Why should so many people only get some of our love? Why can’t we just love the people we love with everything we have to offer? Why do I try to make love sound so scientific?