I am not surprised. I truly suck at life, love, and apparently writing. It’s hard to find my place in all three of these avenues.

In life, where do I belong? Where do any of us belong for that matter? People say you will know where you belong when you get there. So, I guess since I don’t know where I belong I haven’t found it yet.

With love, well that is just a bigger mess then an oil spill in the Atlantic Ocean. I tend to go with the easiest route. You know, love someone I have no chance in hell of getting love back. That way, I can say that I tried. I just don’t want to hurt anyone. I can be in pain forever and that’s okay. I don’t want to know that I may have hurt someone else. Also, I tend to go for assholes. I think I can change them with all my love and devotion. It never works and I cry and cry.

For writing, well, it is a hard nut to crack anyhow. I keep so many of my stories in my laptop. I don’t know what to do with them or where to send them. I don’t know when my stories are done. When I go to rewrite it becomes a whole new story. I could use a mentor. Someone to kick me in my sad, fat, depressive ass. Someone to pat my head and say “good girl”. I need someone to point me in the right direction. I should believe in myself and my stories more. I have to find  my voice and find the place that will showcase it the best.

Did I actually think I would get an acceptance letter? In a way, I sort of did. But I keep writing for the wrong reasons. I send out my stories that deal with you. I want so much to get published so I can have a way to talk to you. I want to be able to email you and ask you to be proud of me. However, the thing is I don’t think you care all that much. I have to stop writing for you because I am loosing my voice. The thing that stands me out from everyone else is the one thing I keep hiding in these damn stories. 

No wonder I keep getting rejected! Who the hell wants to read a fake ass story by a hiding author. 

I have to stand firm and write for me. Not my dad, not MM, but for me. 

I do have one last story out. It’s my Barbie story and that one I did write for me. I sent it to the place I respect the most. I’m sure I will get rejected there as well. I won’t take that one personally. Who am I kidding, I sure will. It’s a damn good essay!