Oh Facebook, You will be the death of me.

I just spent the last hour looking at pictures of people I grew up with. I look at their lives now and their pictures seem so happy. It makes me want to punch puppies.

I am totally jealous of their happiness. I don’t deny them their happiness. They earned it. But still, i am only human and can’t help it. I am big enough to admit thow I feel. I am mad as hell.

I want to be that happy.

I want a website filled with My books that I authored. I want to be in pictures with people laughing and smiling. I want to hold onto someone’s hand not for support, but for the pure fact that I love this person and I can find comfort in his hand.

I want to buy into that American Dream. I want the house and the puppy (sure, I said I wanted to punch puppies, but if I were happy,I wouldn’t do that).  I want the kids and the PTO meetings. The family vacations and the strollers.

But instead…I get this.

A one bedroom apartment that has been made in the 1970’s and a cat. I have no books to my name. I lack the ambition.

I never had someone in my life, besides MM, that I would fight for. I am alive because I couldn’t leave MM alone without me. Even though I am sure MM hates me and would probably enjoy my passing, I still have hope (because I am stupid).

At one time, I thought I did have someone who belived in me and my writing. Instead I got the equvalent of “that’s nice, go get me a Pepsi” (the first time I ever made honor roll in my life and that was what my mother said to me…no nice job or good work…go get me a pepsi…which I drank some of by the way).

I am just so sick of struggling.

My whole life I have been “handed a crappy hand” (yes, I still rememeber that and yes it still stings. I never thought my life was crap until you told me it was and the worst part is, I am sure you don’t even remember saying at) and when do I get to cash it in. Where’s my upgrade? Do I ever get the luxuary suite?

Sure, I know it makes me stronger and I am a better writer for all I have been through. But you know what? That is just shit we all say to make other people feel better. I know I got the short end of the stick and I am finally admitting I am pissed.

I am so sick of things being hard for me. I am tired of fighting. I have already been shown that I am not worth fighting for, so in a way, I am the last to give up fighting.

I just want it to be easier. I want what all those other people are having. Haven’t You done enough? I know asking You that question is just asking for more, but please. No more. I just don’t want to carry on anymore. I want a sign that things are going to change. I need to see a glimspe of the happiness I could have if I just fought some more. Right now it’s dark and I see no end to the darkness. It is as endless as Your power. I am frightened of it as well as enthralled.

I know You have made me a stronger person. I know these are my lessons and I should shut up and stop complaining. It could be worse and You have no problem making it that way.

Just please, indugle me in this moment of weakness. Let me just wallo in the fact that, once again, all the world has something that I don’t. I want what they have and I am confused. I don’t know why I have to struggle so much. Who is going to stand up for me when I can’t? Who will fight for me when I won’t? When I lay it all down, I know that no one will be there to pick me up. Part of it is the shock of seeing me that way and the rest is because no one else could carry all of this.

I am scared to question You. But I can’t think anymore. I want it to be easier. I need a sign for why I am here and why I am once again denied all that happiness everyone else seems to have? Why can’t I just buy in?

I feel like my purpose is done and I am here just taking up space. You don’t make mistakes; I know this. I am just lost right now and I need You more than ever. Please, send help soon.

Advertisements