We all have that secret letter in our head that we wish we had enough guts to not only write, but to send it off to that one person. This blog today is my letter. I know that my letter will never reach the eyes of the person it is directed to because about seventy-five percent of me feels that this person just doesn’t care enough about me to read it. I write the letter for that other twenty-five percent. I also write this letter for those of you who don’t have the guts to tell your person. Maybe you can use my words to get them to hear you. Send them to read my blog. Maybe you will have a better outcome. Lastly, I write this blog in the hope that my truth will help me forgive myself. If people read this maybe they can be healed as well.

 

Trust me…there will be pronouns.

 

“This letter has been written a million times in my head. I think I may have even sent you a few strands of the letter, but for whatever reason, there was never any response from you. Maybe you didn’t know what I was talking about. Most likely you didn’t even read it. I don’t blame you really. I have always known and accepted the fact that I will always care more about you then you care about me, so it doesn’t surprise me that you wouldn’t take the time to read my words. You have too much to do and too many others asking for attention. Who I am really? Why should I get special treatment?

 

I need to be honest. I also need to be forgiven. I have said it a million times that I have failed you, but I never truly explained to you why I feel this way. So here is the explanation.

 

I had one thing I was supposed to do. I had to see you through. But so many people and obstacles stood in my way. I tried to fight them all, but I failed. See, what had happened was you were slipping a bit away from me. I was feeling like I wasn’t that important to you anymore. You were moving on with your life (as you should have done…no one deserved that more then you) but I was just hurt that I wasn’t a part of it anymore. Then, the biggest betrayal of the century happened. I was fighting and screaming for my rights, yet all I got in return was it was my entire fault and I did this to myself. I knew in my heart that I didn’t do this and what was happening was just a case of someone being a huge asshole. I caught that asshole red handed and because of who I was and because of who they were, my life held less value to the powers that were, so I was immediately cast as the wrong doer.

 

I had no one really to talk to about this. I wanted to tell you, but you weren’t really around and again, I don’t blame you. I was just upset and I looked forward to your razor sharp insight. So, I just smiled knowing that you were happy and that this trial was my fight. I couldn’t ask you really to help me with it.

 

So I did the most selfish thing of all. I wanted you near me and I silently begged you to stay. I should have known that they would never have made it easy for you. I have no idea why because to me, you were the most likely of all, yet no one saw it that way. I brought you back to that place. What was worse, I was beaten. I tried to get your strength to rub off on me so I could just finish this and get us both out. But, I can’t ask for your strength.

 

So, I brought you back. They would tell me all the time that things I know I needed to do for you I wasn’t allowed to do. I couldn’t spend all my time on one and sacrifice all the others. They didn’t get that fact that if I helped you, I would have had the strength to get everyone else through. They just kept stopping me and in a way, they were breaking my already shattered self.

 

I remember the day it was confirmed that they had won. Into my room came one very proud person with the official paper. I read it and it took everything in me not to break down right in front of everyone. On that paper was your walking papers. I selfishly sacrificed your future and your life because I needed you near me. Oh and that person was so proud. They had no idea what they had done. In a place so hell bent and proud of all the people they had helped, they let the most important person…the one who needed it the most…just go.

 

That was the end for me. I put my hands up and cried myself all the way home. I had no more strength. They took from me the most important person in my life. My selfishness had caused that person so much unnecessary grief. Things were hard enough, why did I go and make them worse? Oh yeah, I was afraid of loosing you. I let that fear blind me from seeing the truth. I didn’t think they would have fought so hard to “prove me right”. They will never be right. I see you. Ever since that one day you walked across my threshold, I have seen you clearly for the most wonderful and brilliant person you will always be. They will never take that from me. They took everything else, but they will never take what I saw with my own eyes.

 

Anyhow, in a perfect world, you would come to me. You would hold my hand and bring me into your arms. You would kiss me and then whisper in my ear that you love me. You would tell me that I am forgiven. Lastly, you will tell me that I meant something to you back then and I mean something to you now. But I know the world isn’t perfect. Yet, I still cling to hope.”

 

So that is my letter. I am fairly certain it will never reach the intended eyes. Maybe I can help you with your unresolved stuff and, in that small way, I am helping myself.

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