I hate when stuff hits you after the fact.

 

I feel like a huge douche bag right about now. I also feel like I owe you a sincere and heartfelt apology.

 

I humbly walk towards you with my head downcast and my hands open. I just realized how much I have taken you for granted. I have always talked your ears off, but when have I ever just listened? No wonder you hate talking to me! I would hate talking to me if I were you.

 

I remember one time, you were just about to tell me something and I spoiled it by cracking a joke. Please understand that I make jokes to hide my own insecurities and my overwhelming fear. Instead of just giving you a moment to say something, I ran right in with a horrible joke. I am so dumb…most of the time.

 

I don’t know why I talk on and on when around you. I recall doing that all of the time. I think part of the reason I do it is because I have marked you as someone very important in my life and whether you want it or not, I want to tell you everything. Also, I guess if I tell you strange things (like I don’t know, I never knew what a birthday suit was until I was like 25) maybe you would feel like telling me something important (like say you told someone that they could get guinea pig pox…just an example, may not be a real story).

 

I am so dumb. Why do I think you want to even hear all about me? No wonder you don’t respond to me. Who wants a can full of my crazy thoughts? Don’t answer that.

 

Have I ever given you time to just talk to me? Have you ever felt that I would just shut up and listen? The truth is, I would stop everything and listen to you.

 

Sure, I have huge abandonment issues (Thanks Mom and Dad…it’s awesome…the gift that really does keep on giving) and I guess my fear is you will leave me, too. So I hurry up and say everything I can to you. What kind of friend is that?

 

So, I again, hang my head in shame. I feel horrible for just running my mouth and never giving you a moment to breathe, let alone speak. Just know where it is coming from. I am driven by fear. I have always been driven by this fear and it’s a shame really. This fear makes so many people run from me and there lies the thing I am most afraid of.

 

Whether you want it or not, you are such an important piece of my life. Whether you see it or not, I think the world of you. It is your opinion that matters to me. Yet, I never give you a chance to even say it.

 

I run my mouth because I am afraid. It also keeps me from saying the truth. I worry about you still. I love you as if you were my own. These are facts that will never change and I should say I’m sorry but I am not. I am thankful that I can look outside myself and care about another person the way I care about you. It gives me hope that I haven’t been as destroyed as I once thought.

 

I hide behind words. I am sorry for that. If you need me, say the word and you will have my full attention and focus.

 

Sure, I could be blowing this all out of proportion. I tend to do that as well. I always find fault with my actions (again, Mom and Dad…great job!). It could be something so simple (like say, you went out for a hoagie…not a sub, but a hoagie), yet I always think it’s me. Like the man says, “no good could have come from me” and I just never see that maybe things aren’t my fault.

 

The bottom line is this: I am here. I am listening.  

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