Today already isn’t a good day. I am getting sick again (my throat is rejecting all kinds of liquids…no tea for me) and I guess the only other way I can describe this is my heart hurts.

When things get too quiet, my mind invents things. Sometimes it recalls past events and brings new light to them. Today I am suffering from past events.

I used to think I was important and that I belonged. I thought I was makng a difference and that you did love me. When I would tell you that I loved you and you would just say, “uh huh” I would excuse it. I would think that it was just hard for you to say those words to someone. I could relate. It is hard for me to come out and say those words. But around you, those words had a mind of their own. It was all exits and no waiting. Those words wanted to be heard by you and I couldn’t contain them if I tried. I just accepted that you couldn’t say them back and I invented ways of seeing those words in action.

But now that there is all this silence I am starting to see that I was wrong. You couldn’t say those words because you just didn’t mean them. Or at least, you didn’t mean them to me. The silence teachs me that I am just a number to you; I am nothing special or important. I am just one of many adoring “fans” all hoping for just a minute of your time. We are all just waiting for your laugh and a glimmer of your smile.

As hard as it is for me to understand, I have to learn that I am not imprtant to you. In fact, I don’t think I am important to anyone. That isn’t your fault or anyone’s really. It is just what it is, I guess. This is just a fact I need to learn to deal with.

It’s so hard knowing I mean nothing to you. Part of me still has hope that maybe I am wrong. I still cling to the hope that you do care about me and at least think of me once in a while.

I hate not knowing how you feel. It leaves me to just look at the past and try to sort through it. I don’t want to sort through it. I just want to know. I want to be important.

But, with all the unanswered mesages, I guess that is my answer. I don’t want to believe it. No one ever wants to find out they meant nothing to someone who was(and is) so important to them. But, reality tells me that is what I have here.

However, I still cling to hope.

Hope that I am wrong.

Hope that you do care.

Hope that you will hear me and listen.

Hope you aren’t mad at me.

Hope to hear from you again.

Hope is a damn bitch.