It’s all together poetically proper and fitting that the weather outside is blowing up. I wish I could say that I control the weather and this wind is all caused by my own internal screaming. But, I am not that good. The only thing I can do is take comfort in the fact that I am not alone. Even Mother Nature has taken all she can and right now she is freakin pissed! Good for you Mother nature…let it all come ripping out.

I always have this child-like idea that the holidays will bring a miracle. Some new knowledge of some kind or a hug from the past. In some ways, that is true. It isn’t the hug I was hopping for, but it is nice to see things I didn’t know were there.

We never see how we impact those around us. I know I never get it. I freak out when people tell me they love me because I am just like “really? why? What could I have possibly done to receive such a high honor as being loved by you?” I also don’t believe many people when they say it either. But I am always talking about this, aren’t I?

There are always three main themes in my life…No one loves me…I am a sucky writer…and he hates me. When will these themes end? When can I just say I’m done and let go? Just let things fall where they may and leave it all to that?

I know that a change for me is coming…but somehow I just give up.

I am sick of creating my own hurt. I am sick of being ignored. I am sick of telling myself that I am not good enough (the world will do that for me way better then I could ever tell myself that fact).

It’s a new year in a matter of hours and I am fully prepared to just crawl into bed. I seriously just give up. I am sick of looking for signs and having hope. I’m basically done.

I was looking today at some of the things people use to find my blog and one of them was “inside the mind of someone who has shut down”. How proper and fitting that those words drew someone to my blog. Simply put, I am shutting down. It’s all because I am just so hurt and it is all my own fault.

Why do people shut down? It’s because of pain.

I am going back to bed where I will continue to silently scream for a sign or a few words that can give me hope. No wonder you stay away from me…who would want to be around this mess? 

This blog is brought to you by my own PMS and “surviving” cancer. I just love being a woman.

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