Okay, judge me all you want but it’s true. I believe in psychics. Well, maybe I should revise that statement. I believe that some people are in tune with the world around us and they can just get a sense of things. I always know who is on the phone and sometimes I even know roughly what they are calling for.

But on Christmas I met someone very interesting.

I’ve seen this woman before, but I never really sat down next to her. I have heard stories that she can get a sense of things and makes predictions (for lack of a better term). In other words, she sees things.

Being raised by my mother who always consulted tarot cards, I was more the curious being around this woman.

As soon as I sat down next to her, I could feel the air change a bit. In my head I kept saying “tell me something about me”.

Soon enough she did. I was told that this year I will be happier then I have ever been. I have been through a lot and I will finally begin to heal. I am not medically sick, but emotionally sick and apparently I am a very special and blessed person.  

Then I just had to ask…where are my parents?

The first word out of her mouth was…confusion.

I always had a theory about my mother’s death. I always believed she didn’t know she was dead. I know she didn’t want to die. Her body fought fate, God, whomever, for a full day before finally just letting go. But her mind and her soul were gone way before her body stopped. My senses always told me she was lost and she didn’t know what was going on. According to this woman, I was dead right. But there is a happy ending…someone, some male, finally came and got my mom and took her to …well…heaven.

My dad…well, the jury is still out on where he is.

Apparently he was a very selfish person in life (this is not all together news to me) and he regrets that. But seriously, he died when he was 38, so I could see the need for a lot of regrets. Also, his regrets would explain the dreams I had in the past when I was about to make a seriously wrong mistake. I had three dreams about my dad. One was where he was making fun of this guy I was dating and I was all like, that’s not cool dad. Then he was all like, it doesn’t matter, you don’t like this guy anyhow. He was right and I woke up the next day and broke up with the guy. The second dream was my dad yelled at me because I wasn’t going to go to college. He said I would make nothing of my life and I would just waste away. I woke up the next day and while I was at school I got my mom to call for a community college application. The last dream was the best one. I had one hour left with my dad and I got to say all the things I never got to say in life to him. I woke up feeling like it actually happened. I felt at peace with his passing finally. Sure, then the next month my mom kicked the bucket and boy was I pissed. But I digress.

But now I am told I need to tell my dad all the things I need to say. However, I don’t know what those things could be. Am I really mad because he didn’t love me enough to get the help he needed? Am I really upset because he didn’t love me and now I think no one does? Is all of this confusion that I feel about love really just what his death left me with? I seriously thought I was done with all of this. I don’t want to take out any of this crap on someone else. I want to believe that someone could love me.

I didn’t know I was feeling all of this. I thought I forgave him already. But now I am left with just confusion.