Last night I had the oddest dream (and no MM, I didn’t go to to look it up yet; I don’t think I will need to after I explain my day).

The dream was I was teaching at my old high school. But of course I wasn’t supposed to be there but I was (you know how dreams go). Then all of these people I went to high school with were comimg in my room. I was leaving the classroom and some new teacher was taking over while I was still in there. The bell rang and I was in the hallway and kids I taught years ago were all going into another classroom. They came up to me and hugged me.

Then it switched to a kinda dark room and everyone was sitting around tables. It was almost time for me to leave and everyone that I went to high school with kept hugging me good bye.

Here is what I think the dream means:

Sure, the me leaving the classroom and someone taking over is a role reversal of real life, but the feelings are still the same. I don’t know where and how I fit in with this new school and I am searching for that place. I am in a state of limbo where I am now and in my dream, it was the same thing. Also, I have a fear of being replaced in the lives of people I care about (hence all my former kids hugging me-maybe to reassure me that I am not forgotten and I am not replaced?).

The people from my high school coming and finding me…I blame facebook for that part. I don’t mind people looking for me and I am happy to accept friend requests from former classmates. But I think maybe I know how much I have changed from high school and I don’t want to be judged. I want people to see the woman that I am and not the bitter death writing poet from high school. Sure, I am still curious about death, but I gave up my poetry book a long time ago. I guess they were hugging me to reassure me that I am okay.

I think I was back in my former school because I am trying to make sense and find my place in my new school. So I look to a place I was successful and farmiliar with to help ease some of the stress of trying to figure “it all out”.

Today at work, everyone keeps giving me great ideas on what to do. But I will be honest, I am feeling overwhelmed. One person says one thing and someone else tells me to do another thing. It all boils down to this…I need to find my own way. I have to look at the past and see what worked for me in the past. Do the things I am comfortable with and be happy with that. I am a big fan of personal space. I will not be leaning all over a kids desk to help them. I will absoluetly come to their desk and pull up a chair, but that is as close as I will get.

I will not coddle kids. Nothing works my nerves more then people using that sweet voice to talk to kids (you know the one). I can’t do it because it is not at all part of who I am. Sure, I will hug any child that comes to me looking for a hug. But I won’t baby talk them.

I need to just breath and find my own way. I know what I want the kids to do. I know what I want them to learn and how to teach them. I have my pattern down. I just need to get everyone else on board with my plan and my ideas.

I have to make this my own.