I wish I could say that I don’t go to Starbucks because it goes against my ideals. I would love to tell you that I am morally opposed to Starbucks. If only I could find a soapbox in which I could stand for hours on end screaming about the injustices of corporations and capitalism.

 But none of those things are the reason.

The reason is so much easier then you could imagine and it is twenty times more selfish. I simply don’t know how to order a coffee from Starbucks. I think maybe I was out sick the day the manuals were handed out on how to order from them. My fear is that because I don’t know what I am doing, they will pelt me with coffee beans. All of the Starbucks’ in the nation will hang up my picture to teach the world that they better know what they are doing when they enter those doors. Also, my picture will ensure that I never get served in a Starbucks…even if I was just ordering tea.


I have no idea what a latte is nor do I think I want to know. Mochas, espressos, cappuccinos…what the hell are these things? Do I want these things? Why do I want these things? Do I want steamed milk? Where is that foam coming from? What is soy? Would I like soy? What is the benefit of halving things in a drink? Should I sign up for that?


Going into a Starbucks is like going into a slaughtering house line. It all runs smoothly, one customer at a time orders and moves to the next line. There is a pattern of how the customer orders and the person at the register just checks things off on the side of the cup. Someone calls your name and you are off with your highly expensive drink.     


I don’t understand the order. Hell, I barely understand the language they are all speaking. Is it English? Does Rosetta Stone have a course on that language? Why can’t they just order a large coffee?


It isn’t a very open learning environment either. All of those people needing their caffeine fix and I think I could just hold up the line and ask my questions?


So, I see the Starbucks and I walk on. My head hangs low filled with the shame of knowing there is a whole world that I can’t access. I swear I could learn quickly, but we are a nation filled with action and impulses. Therefore, I just walk on.