I get confused. It isn’t hard to confuse me really. If you just shake something glittery in front of my eyes, I will follow that and you can tell me anything because I’m not listening. But nothing confuses me more then the words “I love you.” I really want to understand them. I need to learn how to use them properly. Actually, I think we all need to learn how to use them correctly.

 

I am so quick to throw those words around. I love everything that isn’t human. Shoes, clothes, books, and my favorite tea…I love it all. But when it comes to looking another human being in the eye, those words get lost in my chest. Why is that? Do I not understand how to love another human being? I don’t think that is it because trust me, there are people be bopping around this planet that I do truly love. Or I guess I should say I love them as much as I can understand the concept of love.

 

I think we all tend to use those words so much that they loose their meaning. Sometimes a person will tell me that they love me and I don’t believe them. It’s like I have built up an immunity to those words and the words will hit my ears and then never really sink in. They fall to the ground and I just keep walking.

 

I have become desensitized to the words. I don’t believe in them. But the strange thing is I want others to understand that I love them. I don’t know how I love them or why; it is just something that is just inside me. My love for others is a constant hum. Maybe I should start telling people that I hum them.

 

Love is such a powerful word. People use that word like bombs to get what they want. Others will use it because they think if they say it enough times, it will become true. Or maybe it is something that we all want and if we say it, then maybe the love fairy will come along and grant our love wish.

 

Love has a dark side, too. People tend to forget about that because the positive side is so nice. I equate it to childbirth. In time you forget the pain of it because the reward of having a child outweighs any pain you had to endure. Still, love is painful and it is joyful.

 

Maybe that is why I don’t fully understand love. I see that it has both sides and because I don’t want to deal with the negative then I can’t grasp the concept of the positive. Or maybe I just need a good meal and some chamomile tea.

 

I feel like in some ways I am broken. It is as if there is this missing piece and I can’t make anything fit to fix the hole.

 

Whether it is because the word is overused or I am just incomplete, the fact remains. I don’t understand love as completely as I think I should understand it. I don’t know why when some tell me they love me I don’t hear it. Should we use a new word?

 

Love is something we all search for, but how can we look for it if we don’t know what we are looking for? How can you say in one breath you love playing pool and then in another breath you love your mom? They are just not the same thing and I don’t think love should have degrees. By breaking love up like that, we shatter its complete impact.

 

There are people that I do truly hum in this world. You are lucky because there is only like three of you really. There was no set date and time that I realized I hummed you either. Just one day, it hit me in the face and I just said “Okay.”

 

Maybe it all comes down to this. I only understand my love or my hum. I can’t wrap my mind around a universal concept of love because I think people have destroyed what is meant by love. Maybe I am not as broken as I think.  

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